A golden funny

I ran across this in my files and think it's even funnier the second time around.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah the night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EDT. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911.45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.

Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? 

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. 

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours,
Alex 

P.S. Remember this motto: An armed society makes for a more civil society!

The Fed is looking for Wrench Screwdriver

I have a separate email that I use for junk. You know junk. The kind you get when you must supply an email address to get a percentage off something, or a coupon. About once a month I go clean out the junk mailbox, just to keep an eye on things.

It's amazing what lands in there. I'm getting messages from the "Federal Government" and when it comes to that mailbox, I'm not even a real person. No, no, I didn't even use a real name. The mailbox belongs a figment of my imagination named something akin to Wrench Screwdriver for heaven's sake.

Of course, our Fed might actually be willing to send Ms. Screwdriver a tax refund. It is the state of things these days. The government seems to believe that everyone is entitled to a cut of the taxpayer dollar.

Excuse me. As one of the taxpayers paying lots and lots of dollars to the Federal Government, enough is enough. I find it very disconcerting to be politically aligned with factions of the Tea Party, and quite a relief that I'm not ALL the way politically aligned with them.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

And NO, I'm a Democrat, either. 

I'm a political mongrel, and I'm damn proud of it.